A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness and addiction. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist and 12 Step ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Unsettled

A friend of mine who has been a Born-Again Christian for over 25 years picked me up at the airport yesterday evening. Normally he doesn't press his religious views but last night on the ride home, he did. He asked me an innocuous question, what my parents had given me for Christmas. I said my Mom had given me a bunch of books. Included were one book about Islam and another a short story collection by Middle Eastern writers. I said that I appreciated getting books about the Middle East because I'm still woefully ignorant about that area of the world. I mentioned the Iraqi War and how I felt it was especially important now to broaden my understanding. It was all this that triggered Richard to start talking about how the wars in the Middle East are harbingers for the coming of the Antichrist and how there will never be peace in that part of the world and if there were a charismatic leader who created peace, he (she?) would be the Antichrist. It was hard for me to get around the parallel idea that peace could actually be seen as a bad thing. He went on to say that people are essentially bad which is something I do not believe at all. But I didn't contradict him. I just let him get his ideas out and tried to remain open-minded. He is my friend but not a close friend and much to my relief he was willing to drive me home and I just do not feel confident enough at this point in my recovery to start arguing with anyone face to face. It is no exageration to say that I am quite ignorant, at least for now (I'm working on it). I knew he was refering to Revelations but I do not remember much about the Bible. This is probably an emotional reaction to having considered the possibility that I could be Jesus Christ when I was still very ill. I've blocked the Bible out of my system. So I asked him to tell me about the Revelations but he wouldn't. Instead he scolded me and told me to read them for myself.

The irony is that we both believe in God. I pray on and off throughout my waking hours, mostly small prayers but prayers nonetheless. In my way, I do believe in "intelligent design" encoded in all things, living and non living. But I do not believe in fundamentalism from any religion. Books (including the I Ching) are made by mankind, not God(s) and are subject to all kinds of fallacies. I do not believe that any book is the infallible Truth for All People. I love humanity's diversity and would never want just one interpretation of nearly anything. I do believe (and it is my personal belief) that we are all born innocent and good and that we learn negative behavior through imitation. But that very imitation is responsible for all the human wonders in the world. Back to yin and yang and the desire for balance. We thrive on antonyms and synonyms, that's how we are able to think, reflect and discern. When it comes to value judgements few things are all good or all bad though many people view the world this way. In truth, as I see it, there's always a mixture of elements, a little (or a lot of) yin in the yang and visa-versa. It's our challenge to decide for ourselves what we believe is good and bad and how to follow the good in our lives.

Richard believes that mankind's essential sinfulness is the reason for war and violence in the world. I believe it's due more to cultural pig headedness and vendettas and yes, a basic learned and codified immaturity, a refusal to grow up and get beyond conflicts. I think war and violence define true insanity and are way too accepted by many countries and people. There is no excuse for murder, which is what war is all about. And yet people make all kinds of excuses for it. I've thought several times, what if there were a global boycott on violence? What if the numbers of people willing to be violent for one cause or another dropped drastically? What if it was no longer acceptable to be violent? No longer politically correct to wage war? What if peace were more desirable than just about anything?

I survived domestic violence for over five years. I know how devastating and distorting and manipulative violence can be especially when it's personal. It becomes a cyclical, psychological disease. Once accepted it takes root and destroys the foundation of love and fraternity. The only way to stop it is to practice non violent protest. If that doesn't work you have to leave the situation, even if it means leaving your home. Then you can organize your support and maybe make sorely needed changes. I believe peace is possible but the violence in people must be seen as a physical addiction. Someone who's been violent will have to work to eradicate it. There is no simple answer. An abuser must acknowledge the abuse and foster behaviors that counteract it. If they let up on self-honesty, which is a discinpline for every single one of us, they revert to old behaviors and the cycle continues. People are so ready to label some behaviors as signs of mental illness. Why not label violence, all violence, as a form of mental illness. We are our greatest predators. This has got to stop.

And so some of Richard's talk about the fight between Satan and Jesus/God and man's inherent sinfulness, and the coming of the Antichrist made me feel unsettled, mostly because I didn't feel I was able to express myself to him on the spot and so I held my discomfort in and waited the situation out. I truly wanted to remain open minded but I couldn't risk getting pulled into what I now see as another form of mental illness, fudamentalism. I've been to that place of absolutes and it is neither just nor true that I can see. The Middle Way is extremely important. I think it always has been.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are a freak.

Anonymous said...

This entry was one of your most thoughtful and well-written yet. I agree with you that the Middle Way is usually best and feel sorry that you felt unable to expound upon your views with this man, who needed to hear them. On the other hand, he, like others of his ilk, would not have listened, would never have heard, so I'm glad you did not waste your breath. But it was NOT because you had nothing to say. You had plenty indeed to counter his argument with, you simply don't think enough of yourself to recognize it.

BD

Wanderer said...

Thank you BD,

The support is much appreciated. It's true that a comment like "You are a freak." is disconcerting especially since, as a bona fide schizophrenic, I know what it's like to feel and act like a "freak". But truly, to call someone a freak is to be shallow and immature. It explains nothing. Takes no position. Enters into no dialogue. Doesn't even try for making a bridge towards mutual understanding. It is cowardly. If that person could have lived the life I've lived he (or she) would not be so quick to judge. But if you hadn't voiced your perspective, I might never have voiced mine. Thanks again.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post Kate.

Such clarity, and care-ful thinking.

Anonymous said...

Just looking through your bog and am saddened by that person who called you a freak. i got that all the time at work. a girl kept calling me a freak and loser and it made me feel worse than i actually did. i feel like confronting her now about it as i chat to her on and off. she really hurt me. it was a daily occurence of at least ten accusations a day.

what i wanted to say but being interrupted by that soul destroying person who called you a freak was i didn't realise that you had been violently abused by Brendan. how bad was it?

J.p