A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness and addiction. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist and 12 Step ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Day After Halloween


Talked to/with my therapist today for the first time in three weeks. Told her I was struggling with depression and low self-esteem; I could feel it as I talked to her. I expressed myself awkwardly, there were a couple of pregnant pauses and I felt darker than I usually am with her. She was practical and supportive and talked me through some things showing me where my fears were exaggerated. I told her about my discomfort at discovering at the last Al-Anon meeting that the group was made up of conservative Republicans. There were a few jabs at “liberals” and I thought, “I’m a liberal.” So I felt defensive which is probably why I kept my mouth shut. The group is really not supposed to push any particular religious or political views so this was unusual and I could understand why that rule was included. The group is supposed to be all inclusive rather than exclusive. It’s supposed to be a safe place where everyone can talk and resolve issues regardless of their religious or political background. The group was laughing at liberal Democrats, they just didn’t know that that meant they were laughing at me in a way. I felt a little annoyed and a little ashamed at the same time. There is one woman in the group who I’ve been trying to become friends with out of the group. She is a strong Bush/Cheney supporter and despises the idea of Hillary Clinton becoming president. I just pushed that aside. But at this meeting I felt self conscious and somewhat dishonest. I went to the soccer game instead of the meeting this week and I haven’t contacted this woman, Beth. My therapist suggested that I should be honest with her. And I think she’s right. I avoid and repress and that makes me sicker. It also made me think that my own prejudice was getting in the way of a potential friendship. Why couldn’t I agree to disagree? Maybe I can but I have to get past my own bias’ and insecurities. I think the truth is that Beth and I are a product of where we grew up and what our parents believed. I grew up in New York City, a stronghold of Democrats and Beth grew up here in Western New York, a stronghold of Republicans. But regardless of this, I like Beth and I always have. Why should that change because I disagree with her politics?

I talked to my therapist also about how I’ve felt more fearful this year than I can remember being. I’m afraid of accidents and disease and general misfortune. I have a near phobia about making telephone calls to anyone other than my family. I am afraid to drive my car, especially at night. J. told me that becoming more fearful of dying and death is a part of getting older. My response to that was “Well, that sucks!” And it does. Especially since the schizophrenia takes that fear and exaggerates it, holds onto it, goes over it. So I’ve become morbid. I’m still afraid that the voices want to harm me. I don’t know what happens at death but they have been able to put me in hell on earth, what could they do with my soul? Worse, the thought that I deserve to go to hell with them. I resist the concept of hell because it is completely hopeless and I believe in hope and healing but still there is that fear that I could be wrong. I have to resist and hold onto the positive, glass half full philosophy. I have to live in the present and value what life I have and try to use my time well. Tomorrow I will go to the library and look for books on building self-esteem and fighting fear. I have to accept the things I cannot change (my mortality and the mortality of those I love) and change the things I can, my own attitude and actions. Looking for books and reading them is a small action and yet just the thought of taking positive action lifts my spirits.

It is ironic that I am listening to Vin Scelsa’s “Idiot’s Delight” replay of his radio show (Sirius Disorder), his Halloween show. He started out with Jim Morrison singing “This is the end...” And then went to the soundtrack of Psycho. Seductive death to cold and calculated violence, insanity in either case. Halloween and humans playing with their fear, acting out and having fun. But I didn’t act out with them. I didn’t dress up or go watch people who dressed up and there were no children coming to my door for candy. Instead I spent a quiet night writing and watching TV. One of the good things about Halloween is that it’s a holiday where people get the chance to face their fears and desires in an innocuous way. It’s also a public acknowledgment that we all do have fears, that we’re in this life together. That’s something I lose sight of, that I’m not alone in having fears.

Fear is hardwired into our bodies to make us very cautious in times of danger. It’s a survival mechanism. Sometimes it serves us very well. We need some fear and it’s got to be available at a moment’s notice. But we can also create fear in times of safety and perpetuate it with over active imaginations. Why create fear? Even before I got really sick I would imagine worst case scenarios. I thought if I imagined it that it wouldn’t happen. Magical thinking. It’s also a way of preparing for bad things. We all know that bad things happen to people, it’s in the news everyday and yes, I think we do need to prepare for the possibility without becoming obsessive about it. I don’t like fear but I wouldn’t want to be careless with my life and other people’s lives because I wouldn’t slow down driving in a snow storm. But I don’t want to live in fear either.




4 comments:

Anonymous said...

if it was me who you are spoke about thats says that one becomes more fearful of death i would like now to say that one is more aware of death as one gets older and only fearful when one is not ready for death. my opinion at the moment.

some people say they will die young, some say they are not afraid of death... i did until three serious suicide attempts.

i now like to believe that there is no hell. when one dies one dies. some get to heaven others don't. so if i want to go to heaven i have choices to make but if i mess up and die then my body dies and so do my thoughts.

Wanderer said...

I'm not ready for death. I still want to accomplish something, make a small difference, find some happiness.

Brendan said he would die young. And he did by his own attempt. I hope he wasn't afraid.

I'm glad you don't believe in hell. I can't believe that the higher power would allow it, it's just too intolerant and too cruel.

Anonymous said...

no kate brendan was on the opposite end of the fear spectrum and i wouldn't like to go there either.

j.p

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,

I too have a phobia about calling strangers...I can hardly get myself to call Joe at Hospital for Special Care because it involves calling the front desk first, where a stranger answers first before transferring the call to Joe's room and a CNA...

As for that woman, the Republican in the Al-Anon (or was it AA?) group -- well, I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you. I think there is a very good reason you are suddenly wary of befriending her: dyed in the wool Republicans may well have very different VALUES from confirmed pacifists who vote Democratic preferentially. For instance, whether or not you believe abortion should be legal, you most likely do not support the death penalty, right? But my sense is that as a staunch Bush supporter, she does...and that is something that I, myself, find appalling and representative of a value, a moral value that is repugnant to me. It says something about a person that, combined with other factors, might stand between us. What other factors? Well, take taxes: she perhaps doesn't want to pay any...No one does? Well, I do! I believe in taxes, in the joint revenue that taxes bring to the country to pay for community "goods" -- from bridges to Medicare, FEMA to NASA. She might not want to support public education, because she can afford to send her children to private schools: Why should she pay for the education of OTHERs children? she asks...It is that UNcivic way of thinking, that selfish, self-centered way of thinking about society that represents a value I do not respect, and it is quintessentially Republican!

My political metaphor still holds, started by Bush Senior: Republicans are like his Thousand points of light, the stars, they twinkle all by themselves giving off no heat or light to anyone but themselves, while the Democrats form a society and group together like the sun, giving off light and heat to all. BTW: This is politically, it doesn't mean you can't be a loner in Democratic society! :)

So I am wary of befriending rigid Republicans myself. Those who do not rush to judge Dems might be thoughtful and willing to consider other ways of thinking, but ones who rush to judge and joke...I'd be wary of them.


Just my opinion, but I would not be in any hurry to hate myself for hesitating suddenly about deeper friendships with the members of your Al Anon group. They may be FINE as members, but you do not know them otherwise, and maybe that is a good thing (as it seems to have been, since before you knew they were Republicans you liked them more...when you could have your fantasies about them unmarred).

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with YOUR being unrigid and learning about their way of thinking, if you don't mind doing so. THey may simply be ignorant or be coming from a different mind and different experience. I dunno. I guess I'm just thinking about the Republicans I know who do share MY experience but draw difference conclusions from it, ie that they deserve more and should have their millions and are greedy and selfish and and and...You see what I mean? Maybe you can teach them what being a liberal means, maybe they do not understand YOU.

I dunno, but I do understand your dilemma and absolutely understand your reluctance.

Yours

Pam W